Monday, August 4, 2008

Five things I don’t want to see in sex scenes















1. The word “treacherous”.

I’m fine with what are called “forced seductions”, but I don’t want to read something like, Her treacherous body responded to him. That word always makes me think of beheadings in the Tower of London.

2. The giant member.

This feature took pride of place in two novels I’ve read so far, and in both cases it achieved the same effect – the hero was reduced to a walking oversized body part. I don’t think it’s possible to give the hero such an attribute without amusing the readers or having him defined by it in some way, especially if the story goes into detail about how his previous girlfriends weren’t able to accommodate him.

3. The orgasm smile.

Does anyone smile during an orgasm? After it, I can buy, but I’ve read more than one book where the characters smile at the climax, perhaps because it’s not pretty to have them making contorted grimaces instead. There’s even one where the heroine’s face becomes like an angel’s at the crucial moment. Maybe she looked like an angel having an orgasm.

4. The unexpected virgin.

This is where the hero discovers, much to his surprise and delight, that the tamper-proof packaging on his little aspirin bottle is intact.

5. The heroine’s skull.

The tension built up to the charged, emotional first kiss. The hero and the heroine held each other and the kiss grew passionate. Then the hero slid his hand into her hair, “on her skull”.

Suddenly the kiss was over for me, and the hero was doing the “Alas, poor Yorick” scene from Hamlet instead.

8 comments:

heatheraynnebrooks said...

Great list!

Just once, wouldn't it be nice to see a "love conquers a mediocre member" theme??

Kim said...

Ack - I have #4 in one of my books! But, in my defense, the hero's not so much relieved as he is completely shocked. If it means anything, he doesn't care one way or the other, but he expected her to not be a virgin (and it's an historical, if that counts for anything.)

But I swear, it's the only book where I used this - honest! =)

Angela said...

The giant member sounds like something from a cheesy 50's sci-fi horror film

"Run for your lives...it's the giant member!!"

Marian said...

Attack of the 50 Foot Member!

kim : "but he expected her to not be a virgin"

This would make a difference. What I had in mind when I wrote that was the kind of story where the heroine's first husband was away, gay, old, sick, dead or all of the above, meaning they never consummated their marriage, but she didn't tell the hero that.

If the hero didn't expect her to be a virgin, and she had no reason or no chance to enlighten him, I could deal. :)

Marian said...

Thanks for commenting, heather!

Just once, wouldn't it be nice to see a "love conquers a mediocre member" theme??

Now you've got me wondering if there are any romances where the heroine has a flat chest. I'm pretty sure there are none where the hero is normally endowed, though. ;)

The Self-Publishing Review said...

Great blog. And I love the aspirin bottle comment.

Now, if only people would pay attention to your writing rules before they try to get published I'll die happy.

Marian said...

Glad you liked it, and thanks for commenting! I already have two more "further things I don't want to see in sex scenes" for a future post.

Scary.

Doug said...

Why is this whole world prejudiced against treacherous, smiling virgins with huge members and a skull fetish

feh, i don't need this bigotry