Five funny things non-writers say...

...when they hear that you're a writer.

1. "I have an idea for a novel. You could write it and we could split the profits."

I want to reply, "So you'll supply the idea and I'll supply the characters, plot, background, setting, style, research, editing, submission and revision? What kind of split do you have in mind?"

2. "I have an idea for a book about {insert favorite nonfiction topic here}."

This one just baffles me. A coworker once saw me editing the first draft of Dracolytes, asked if I was a writer and said, "You should write a book on Type II diabetes." The only connection I could see between Dracolytes and diabetes is that both words start with a D and end with an S. Other than that, I have no idea what made her think I might be qualified to write such a book, or that I would want to do so.

3. "I'd like to write a book. Could you help me?"

Yes, I can smack you until the craziness goes away.

Seriously, if someone asked me this, I'd describe what getting accurate criticism of a first draft feels like, and what the fiftieth form rejection can do to you. I'd talk about the time it takes to complete a manuscript, and the even longer time it takes to query and submit the thing. I'd go into detail about the scam sharks in the writing waters. I'd wind this up by cautioning the would-be writer that there is NO guarantee of publication and NO guarantee of mondo money either.

Then, if he or she still liked the idea of writing a book, I'd suggest some good books and websites on the subject.

Then, once he or she actually started writing the book, we could talk.

4. "Where do you get your ideas from?"

eBay.

I read once that a writer, tired of this question, started telling people that he subscribed to a weekly magazine that provided him with ideas, but it was for published authors only.

5. "You know, I've always wanted to be a writer."

People don't normally say, "You know, I've always wanted to be a stockbroker" or "I've always wanted to be a neurosurgeon" to someone they've just met. Writing is different, though. Since nearly everyone writes (emails, letters to the editor, schoolwork, proposals, etc.), many people believe it's just one small step from there to the aura of authorhood. People know that you need to have studied for years to be a scientist or gone through rigorous training to be a firefighter, but being a writer is much more attainable. And glamorous. Sometimes, the implication is that the person could have been a writer if they had had just ten minutes' more time in the day.

As someone once said, writers write. Wannabe writers wanna write.