1. Outskirts Press, Pearl Package, $1099
“All Pearl books include professional interior layout, an ISBN number, and unlimited wholesale printing, fulfillment and distribution via Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Ingram, and Baker & Taylor, among others.”
There are also Diamond, Sapphire, Emerald and Ruby Packages. Something about them turns me off, though – maybe I was just never into bling.
2. Raider Publishing Services, Silver Package, $1799
But that $1799 is completely worth it, because along with other services, you’d be paying for a “Personal Promotion Assistant”. Can I pick mine out of a catalog of assistants (young, male, 5’10” or above)?
For the Gold Package, you also get
“Professional Consultation at our main office in the EmpireStateBuilding (including flights to New York, hotel stay, extras)”
Understandably, the price for this package isn’t included on the website. If a Platinum Package ever comes into existence, may I suggest that it includes a commercial airplane with a picture of the book’s cover painted on the side?
You could use that to fly to New York.
3. Tate Publishing, $4000
“Hey! I have a contract with Tate Publishing signed...the only thing I'm trying to find is the $4000.00”
I’m kind of disappointed that this broke the “sliding scale of expenses with shiny names” pattern. Oh well.
4. Elderberry Press, over $5900
“Our fees, inclusive of all included services are:
Adult books: $5900 plus 2¢ per word all inclusive.”
Remind me again: is everything included? What’s funny is that on its main page, Elderberry Press repeatedly claims that it’s cheaper than other vanity presses.
Its mission is “To publish, distribute and promote books the way they should be at a fraction of the cost of vanity presses... A better product for less money… Though our fees are a fraction of the fees of vanity publishers…”
Well, 10/2 is a fraction.
Elderberry Press goes on to say, “For authors on a limited budget we recommend these reputable, large, inexpensive publishers: publishamerica.com, lulu.com or i-universe.com.” Nuff said.
5. Xlibris, Platinum Package, $12,999
“The Rolls-Royce of publishing – the Platinum Service offers an exclusive world of publishing privileges and benefits.”
Someone please tell me there are no metals beyond platinum. If there are, the package would have to include a personal alternate dimension where you didn’t just spend thousands of dollars to feel like a published author.